OS: My Mother's Diary - AP

‘Grandma! Grandma! Look what I found!’A sixteen year old Maithli ran downstairs excitedly screaming at the top of her lungs.

She ran to her grandmother and twirled her around. ‘Look! Just take a look at this!’

‘What Maithli?’ Sugandh asked with a laugh. Her granddaughter was always excited about something or the other.

‘Grandma, grandma, grandma! This is my mother’s diary! I found it in the attic!’ Maithli was so excited, she could hardly stand still.

Sugandh smiled, ‘I had forgotten about it. Pia was always scribbling something or the other in her diary.’

‘Let’s read it! I am so excited! I know, I know, it’s bad manners reading somebody else’s diary,’ she continued as she saw Sugandh’s raised eyebrow. ‘But I have to! I know she won’t mind.’

Sugandh laughed, ‘there’s no winning with you. Fine, let’s read it together.’

December 31, 1992

            Dear diary, it’s almost a new year and I finished my other diary. I thought I should start afresh with you. I’ll officially start writing tomorrow but today I’ll just tell you that I won’t be writing every day. I’ll just write what I feel like writing, so technically this is not a diary but a journal. Sorry, sometimes I just ramble. You’ll just have to bear with me. I’ll write about what’s important to me.

            Anyways, Mum’s calling me. We have to go to some New Year’s Party. Yay, just what I need in life, a party before I leave.

January 5, 1993

            A new beginning. A new city. Dehradun. We just moved here yesterday. Mum got transferred here and I moved as well even if it’s my last year of college. It doesn’t matter. I’m actually excited. Don’t misunderstand me, I loved living in Delhi and I had amazing friends there. But the mountains and forests have always called my name. Dehradun is mine.

January 10, 1993

            Late night wandering in the forest has become my favorite activity. The forest is not too far from here. If mum finds out about this, she’ll ground me before I can say the word ‘sorry’.

            But it’s so beautiful and peaceful at night when there is nobody around. I can just breathe and be myself. I can get the suffocation out that I always felt in Delhi. Delhi seems like a long forgotten dream now.

January 17, 1993

            Classes started today. Everyone was so curious about me because I was the new girl. It felt like high school all over again. Oh well, I met some interesting people today. There were the Dobriyal sisters, Panchi and Misha, as different as day and night. Panchi’s super sweet and Misha, a complete gangster. But never judge a book by its cover.

            There was Kabir, who kept looking at Misha. I guess because I am an objective bystander, I can see that he has a crush on her. Misha was of course oblivious, the tomboy that she is.

            Then there was ‘Jeh’, Mr. Don’t-Spell-It-‘Jai’. He had a little attitude in the beginning but was sweet after all. He was being a jerk because of a dare.

January 25, 1993

            Mount College is actually very nice. They don’t stare at me all the time anymore. I guess it helps that I am Misha’s good friend now. Don’t tell me that I didn’t tell you before; never judge a book by its cover. She is really sweet. Eek, I’m sick of using the word sweet, so I better stop. It’s been a good day. J

January 26, 1993

            I know, I know, I had written that I won’t use the word sweet again, but it’s important to use it when it’s actually true. Jeh is very sweet (sorry for the word, diary!). He’s always there to support me. We’re always laughing together and I can be me with him. I don’t have to filter my thoughts but can blurt out whatever I want.

            It’s nice to meet such people here. But I’ve realized that whenever people mention Abhay Raichand, an air of mystery is created. I’ve heard that he keeps to himself. He’s not at MC yet.

February 12, 1993

            Jeh told me that he loves me. He got down on his knee and told me that the loves me. He’s a great guy, he makes me laugh and he lets me be. But I don’t feel the flutter around my heart that I’ve read about in novels and watched in movies. Does that even happen in reality or is it just a figment of the imagination? Or is friendship in itself, love? I asked him for time to think it over (should that already be an indication?) and I’ll let him know as soon as I know.

            I don’t want to hurt him; he’s been such a great friend to me. When T made me cry (I don’t want to talk about what happened), he supported me. He’s always been there for me. I am so confused!

February 13, 1993

            My heart is pounding. I just came back from the forest. I met someone. I don’t know who he is. But my heart thudded when he came near me.

            I was just walking around in the forest thinking about Jeh’s confession and about what I was going to reply. Not important. The important thing is that I fell and gave a cry of pain. Then he came. He was so annoyed and handsome. He looked at me and muttered a few curses under his breath.

            I, of course, glared at him but he carried me in his arms. All irritated, he asked me where I lived. Of course I thought of all the crazy stories I had heard about people finding out your address and doing crazy stuff. Then I realized what a blithering idiot I was. I was alone with him in the jungle and nobody knew where I was (granted, he didn’t know that), but he could have taken advantage of me then and there.

            But he was just gruff and all heroic at the same time. HE CARRIED ME HOME! Crazy right! I never took myself as a ‘damsel in distress’ type but at that moment, my heart just beat like it was on fire! Damn, my whole body was tingling and going haywire!

February 14, 1993

            I told Jeh that it was not possible for us to be together. I felt so bad telling him that and the heartbreak in his eyes was painful. But it would have been unfair if I would have agreed. I simply don’t feel that way and after last night, I just couldn’t do this. Before last night, I was considering saying yes.

            But the stranger changed it all for me. I don’t know if I’m ever going to meet him again but the feelings he evoked in me, I had never felt like that before. I had felt so drawn to him, like a magnet.

            So, I told Jeh no. I hope he’ll forgive me for that and still be my friend. I will always be his friend.

February 21, 1993

            I met that stranger. He’s Abhay Raichand. Can you believe it? I’ve heard that he just wants to stay away from everyone. Doesn’t matter. I’ll stay away from him. He kept giving me dark looks anyways.

March 1, 1993

            Damn! I can’t get him out of my head. I can always tell where he is. I can’t even concentrate in class. I feel like I’m tracking his every move. I feel like such a psycho! Lock me in a ward right now! I need to stop thinking about him. If anyone reads my diary, I’m just going to die of embarrassment. I need to stop thinking about him, RIGHT NOW!

            Anyways, I don’t know how I became so clumsy. I used to walk properly but all of a sudden, I’ve developed two left feet! I keep stumbling and falling, and he comes like my savior. I swear I’m not doing this on purpose! I hope he doesn’t think that I’m doing this on purpose.

March 19, 1993

            Jeh forgave me (finally!) and we’re back to being friends. I never noticed this before but Panchi was eyeing him with interest. I hope they hook up so that I can stop feeling so damn guilty all the time.

OK, officially put me in the mental ward. It’s too much! At every breath, I think of him. At least he’s started talking to me. Well, he just started today. And the damn conversation flowed so naturally. He came right after Jeh left. But that stupid bell had to ring for class (who has bells in colleges anyway).

April 22, 1993

            Life has become so beautiful. Abhay and I have become inseparable friends now. He doesn’t have much to say to the others but we can’t stop talking to each other.

            He’s a loner. He doesn’t like people’s company that much. That’s why I feel so honored that he’s my friend. And every day, I learn something new about him, something fascinating. He is the sunlight in my life. Whenever I see him laugh, my world becomes brighter.

            I still obsess about him and still think about him all the time. But at least it’s not creepy anymore since we actually do talk to each other.

            His parents are great. I love Haseena’s (she told me to call her that) wardrobe and I never pay attention to clothes, so that’s saying something. And Chand (again, he asked me to call him that) is an amazing father. You can just see the bond the Raichands have.

May 8, 1993

            He remembered that it’s my birthday! I remember mentioning it to him once in passing a long time ago, but he remembered it. And made it extremely special. He contacted mum and set a party for me! Can you believe that?

            The pity is, we’re not dating yet. Yet being the key word. By hook or by crook, I’m getting my man; Abhay Raichand. ;)

June 2, 1993

            We’re together! He told me he loves me! I just started crying when he said that. I had rejected my earlier idea of making him tell me he loves me. I wanted him to tell me because he wants to, not because I pressured him into it.

            I love him so much. I love him so much that I can’t believe my good fortune. God must have been pleased with me somehow that he gave me Abhay.

            Mine.

July 18, 1993

            He proposed! Oh my God! I’m getting married. I am so happy! I love him so much! I swear I’ll make him so very happy. As happy as he’s made me. I’ll try to light up his life as he has mine.

            And all our friends will be invited. Misha-Kabir and Jeh-Panchi will be there. I will celebrate the best day of my life with my friends and family.

September 1, 1993

            Last night was beautiful. I can’t believe I’m blushing. OK, we’re married, so whatever we did is completely permitted in all states of India.

This is the best day of my life. I am so much at peace. I feel like I can touch the sky and get whatever I ask for. But I have everything I ever wanted. I have my husband, Abhay. And I am Mrs. Pia Abhay Raichand. My dreams have come true.

January 1, 1994

            I’m stunned. I’m pregnant! Oh my gosh! I’m actually pregnant. When I told Abhay, he just had tears in his eyes and hugged me so tight I couldn’t breathe. That’s totally irrelevant (the not being able to breathe part, the rest I don’t mind).

            Everyone was so happy. I am so excited. I had not imagined that I’d be a mother so soon. We had done family planning and kids were not in the horizon for a long, long time. But that’s OK, contraceptions do fail. Not that I’m complaining. This year will be fabulous. A baby in the house. I’ll be a mother.

May 5, 1994

            I have so many hopes and dreams for our child. Our child will be whoever he/she wants to be. But he/she will receive so much love from everyone. He/she already has two sets of godparents (yup, Misha-Kabir and Jeh-Panchi got married) and the child will be completely spoiled.

            I warned Abhay that I won’t let him spoil our child so much. He just laughed at me and hugged me.

August 31, 1994

            Our princess has arrived. I gave birth to a little girl. She’s so beautiful! She has Abhay’s eyes; those gorgeous, gorgeous eyes.

            I had never imagined what motherhood would be like. Seeing her for the first time, I knew that I would always love her. And she has brought Abhay and me closer than ever before. I love him so much more now that I see him with our darling daughter. And I know he loves me more as well.

            We named her Maithli. I don’t know how we came up with the name. But we said it at the same time. So it was an easy pick. It was so sweet when he picked her up the first time. He was terrified of her and awed at the same time. The love reflected so clearly in his gaze. I will always cherish the memory of the large man holding the tiny bundle of joy in his hands. I teared up at the sight. I’ve become so much more emotional ever since Abhay has come in my life.

October 4, 1994

            Life has become crazy ever since Maithli has arrived. I am on maternity leave so it’s not too bad. Right now, I have all the time in the world with my angel.

And Abhay is.. Abhay. My Abhay. J

November 1, 1994

            My life is perfect. I have my Abhay and my Maithli. Thank you so much, God. Thank you for everything. I will forever be grateful to you for this.

December 25, 1994

            He’s gone. Abhay’s gone. No matter how many times I repeat that, it doesn’t sink in. I am numb. My love’s gone. A drunk driver smashed into his car. He’s gone. He’ll never be back. My Abhay. My life. He’s gone.

            He’s left me alone. What will I do now? What will I do without him? He’s my rock, my pillar. Oh my God, he’s gone. You left me alone Abhay! You told me you’d never leave me! Abhay! Come back to me! How could you do this to us, God? How?

December 29, 1994

            It hurts. It hurts so much. I feel like a thousand daggers are pointing at my heart. Every second that passes is agony. Trying to breathe is torture. Tears are supposed to make the heart lighter, but my tears are not doing anything for me.

            When will this pain go away? When will I see you again, my Abhay? I can’t stand this anymore. I can’t take it. My pain has overpowered my love for Maithli. My darling daughter, I never wanted that to happen.

            But I can’t live without Abhay. He’s calling my name. I can hear him. I know how I can go to him. If death doesn’t come to me, I’ll go to death. It surely will embrace me with arms wide open. There I will meet Abhay. The solution to end this agony is to die.

            Maithli, my love, I am so sorry. I love you so much. But I love him even more. I can’t go on without him. I will be leaving you in capable hands. Mum will love you more than I can ever love you. Abhay’s death has stopped any other emotion from entering my heart. I won’t be able to give you that love that mum will.

            Maithli, I hope that one day you’ll be able to forgive me. I hope you will be able to understand that I didn’t love you any less. I just loved him to such a degree that everything ceased to exist for me when he did.

            We wanted to give you so much in life. You came as the biggest gift in our life and spread joy like a free bird. I hope you’ll forgive mama for being so weak. I pray you won’t blame yourself.

            I just want to be with Abhay. I need to be with Abhay. Without him, my life is meaningless. I love you, my Maithli. I love you Abhay, I’m coming to you.

            I couldn’t do it. I went to die in the forest where I first met Abhay, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do this to you Maithli. I couldn’t leave you alone. I couldn’t be such a coward. Living with pain and torture is acceptable, but setting such a poor example to you is not right.

            I’m sorry for what I was about to do. Your mama was a fool. She couldn’t see that she could give all the love she has for Abhay and you, to you. I couldn’t let Abhay down. I couldn’t let you down.

            I’ll embrace death when it comes looking for me. I won’t go meet it. I know that Abhay will wait for me. And he’ll be proud that I gave you love and happiness.

            I’ll try to give you so much happiness, my love, that you will never feel Abhay’s void in your life. I’ll tell you all about him and celebrate his life with you. I’ll celebrate your life with you, Maithli. I love you.

Tears stained Maithli’s face and sobs wrecked her body. She could feel her mother’s love, happiness and pain. Her mother had loved her father so much. They had been so in love with each other. But fate had other plans for them. ‘Then what happened, grandma?’ she asked tearily.

On the other side of the couch, Sugandh’s face streamed with tears as well. ‘The next day, she died in a car crash as well. Another drunk driver ended her life. She embraced death after all.’

Sugandh lifted her head, ‘I didn’t know that Pia was about to end her life. But she didn’t. She loved you very much.’

Maithli gave her grandmother a shaky smile, ‘Now I know how much she loved me. I wouldn’t have blamed her if she had gone to meet death. It must have been sheer agony for her to live without dad.’

‘I know. I now know. But we should celebrate their life, not their death. Happy Anniversary Abhay and Pia.’

Maithli wiped her tears and smiled, ‘Happy Anniversary mama and dad.’